Last night, while having a few drinks, I followed my own advice and talked about my depression with two good friends visiting from Austin. The conversation started because my wife is considering starting a business around helping people deal with their depression. Which naturally result in a conversation about my depression, since she, ultimately, wants to help me and people like me. Which is just about the sweetest reason to start a business.
Anyway, I started the conversation with points from Lost Connections. Which helped them understand that there are multiple types of depression and that most of these are very natural reactions to problems that we face in every day life. I explained how I would feel and how that sensation wouldn’t go away. There were definitely points where I was on a bit of a diatribe, but they asked some good questions. Specifically about how I felt and if it was easy for me to identify the root cause of my depression. At that point I explained how meditation had helped me figure out some of that. Because it allowed me to sit with my emotions and sift through them. To hold a thought, feeling, or memory then to let it go through returning to focusing on my breathing. It allows me, as my therapist puts it, to chew on those things, digest them, and then shit them out. Which is a lot better than just “burying” the emotions and things that had happened to me.
All in all, the experience was a really positive one for me. I’ve unconsciously (and in some cases intentionally) pushed people away my whole life. Much of that is related to my depression and the pain and hurt I experienced while growing up with a household where fighting was the norm. So, this was a big step really letting two of my friends understand what I’ve gone through and how I’ve been working through addressing it. Explaining that it’s a long journey and I’m a year into it and I know I have more things to work through and more time to take to fully heal.
Having this conversation was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. First, it was certainly easier because I’ve been writing this blog for a while now and because I had been drinking for a bit at that point. Second, it was harder because, even though I’ve been writing this blog, it’s still hard to talk about some topics. So I ended up glossing over them or skirting past them. Similarly to what I do about some harder topics with this blog. However, I felt good this morning for having talked with them. I wasn’t judged (I didn’t expect them to judge me) and my friends cared about my wellbeing and want to see me be healthy. They really didn’t know what was happening or understand it. They attributed some of my behavior before to being drunk or something immediate going on. So, I think they appreciated a deeper understanding of me.
I hope that you take the time to talk with a friend or loved one about your depression. If you think that’s too big of a step, writing about what you would say, even if you delete it immediately afterwards, can help a lot. Write it by hand as well, so that way you don’t have to worry about the internet machine gobbling it up and saving it somewhere. According to “The Body Keeps the Score” writing can really help processing trauma. So, give that a try. Write it down, throw it out, do it again tomorrow.