Talking about Otherness is an odd topic when it comes to depression. At least for people that don’t really suffer from chronic form of depression. However, this is something that I think a lot of people can relate to that suffer on a regular basis. Otherness in this context means that there are time where you feel like you’re watching someone go through the motions of your life for you. Where you look at things you’ve written in the past and don’t even recognize who that person was. That when you read that, you can’t even imagine that person could possibly have the depression that you have. That person is capable and competent. That they certainly couldn’t be the same person as you.
There are times where you feel like you’re watching someone put on your face and getting in front of a crowd of people doing something with such conviction and confidence that you’re floored. That person is supposed to be you, but you don’t feel like it. This has certainly happened to me. I look back at my blog posts from years ago or even within the same year and I hardly remember writing them. I’m impressed that I was able to put together that coherent of an argument. That I had that sort of passion for a topic, even if it was only while I was writing.
When I was a regular instructor for Lean Six Sigma in my various roles in my career I’ve often felt as someone riding and watching myself give those presentations. Where I would be able, without much or any preparation, to give a full week of training courses (granted there were some slide decks where this showed more than others). I would be asked questions and I’d feel like I was watching someone else answer. That I was just along for the ride while this other “Ryan” was giving the presentation. This person didn’t feel like me.
At the end of the day, I’d be completely exhausted and so worn out. In a lot of ways I was also energized, because I had a community. I was with a group of like minded people. I wasn’t alone, which felt great. But, I also often felt like a fraud and was depressed because I felt like I was selling something that my bosses didn’t really support. That enough though we offered to our students a great remedy for what was ailing these organizations, the leadership didn’t support it. This caused a great deal of internal turmoil because the values of the organization didn’t fully align with what I was teaching.
Recognizing this otherness is important to do though. We need to be able to sit and look at this otherness and try to identify the source of it. In the case of teaching Lean, the root of the otherness was a misalignment of values. This exasperated my existing depression, I had already felt alone. I then struggled to find new meaningful work, when I didn’t trust other companies to have a value that really aligned with what I wanted to teach.
It’s also important to recognize the otherness because we don’t like it in ourselves. This means we’re less tolerant of otherness in other people, because it reminds us of our own otherness. However, sitting with our otherness can allow us to see why we’re feeling that way. This otherness, hiding from ourselves, putting a mask on, or burying our true feelings, is a coping mechanism and is completely natural. Everyone does it. So, meditating after you feel like an Other will allow you, as you scan down your body, to experience a wholeness. It’ll make you aware of the anxiety or fear you’d been hiding from yourself. It removes the otherness and centers you back in your body. It makes you feel again.
I strongly recommend meditation when you feel like this. Your thoughts will drift, you’ll feel lighter, eventually, but you’ll feel. Which is important for your and my recovery.